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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thatbamster's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, December 6th, 2009
9:35 pm
B is feeling melancholy. He isn't sure that trading in the pain and the hopefulness that caused it all for a little bit of sanity was a very smart thing to do after all.
Thursday, October 15th, 2009
4:06 pm
Gravity by Maura O' Connor
Gravity by Maura O' Connor

Today I'm fragile
insane and full of purpose.
I'm thinking of my lover:
my soft hips pressing his coarse belly,
my tongue on a salmon nipple,
his hand buried in my thick orange hair,
the telephone ringing.
I'm thinking we tend our illnesses
as if they are our children:
demanding our attention and twenty dollar bills,
hours we could have spent
making love with the television on.
Faith is a series of calculations
made by an idiot savant.
I'm in love.
I'm alone
in the city of painted boxes
stacked like alphabet blocks
spelling nothing.
There are things I know:
trees don't sing
birds don't sprout leaves
the sky never turns to wine
roses bloom because that's what roses do,
whether we write poems form them
or not.
I concentrate on small things:
ivy treaded through chain link,
giveaway kittens huddled in a soggy cardboard box.
a fat man blowing harmonica
through a beard of rusty wires
brown birds chattering furiously on power lines.
I try not to think about
lung cancer, AIDS,
the chemicals in the rain;
things I can't imagine any more than
a color I've never seen
My heart is graffiti on the side of a subway train,
a shadow on the wall made by a child.
Nothing has been fair since my first skinned knee
I believe death
must be.
I cling to love as if it were an answer.
I go on buying eggs and bread,
boots and corsets,
knowing I'll burn out before the sun.
I'm thinking of
the days I tried to stay awake
while the billboards and T.V. ads
for condoms, microwave brownies, and dietetic jello
lulled me to sleep.
A browned-eyed girl once told me a secret
that should have blown this city
into a mass of unconnected atoms
Our sewage is piped to the sea.
Beggars in the street are hated for having the nerve
to die in public.
Charity requires paperwork,
Relief requires medication
as if we were the afterthoughts of institutions
greater than our rage.
Gravity chains us to the asphalt with such grace
We think it is kind.

We all go on buying lottery tickets
Diet Coke and toothpaste
as if the sky over our heads
were the roof of a gilded cage.
We provide evidence that we were here:
initials cut into cracked vinyl bus seats,
into trees growing from squares
in concrete
a name left on a stone, an office building,
a flower, a disease, a museum
a child.
Tonight the stars glitter like rhinestones
on a black suede glove.
In the coffin my room has become,
I talk to God
about the infrequency of rain
about people who can't see the current of my gentleness
running under the pale crust of my skin.
I tell him under
the jackhammer crack, the diesel truck rumble,
even the clicking sound traffic lights make
switching from yellow to red,
there is a silence
every song
every whisper made besides graves
or in the twisted white sheets of love.
I tell him I can't fill it
with dark wine, blue pills,
a pink candle lit at the altar
the lover touching my hair,
God doesn't answer,
God doesn't know our names.
He's the architect
designing the places we occupy
like high rise offices or ant hills
I know this
the way I know
sunrise and sunset
are caused by the endless turning
of the Earth.
Saturday, July 11th, 2009
4:48 am
I'm done being on pause.
Monday, May 11th, 2009
2:26 pm
Short version
tests came back:

no cancer
no stds
no tendonitis
2:26 pm
My nuts hate me.
I found a lump on my right testicle 3 weeks ago. I named it Target, I'm not sure where that came from, but that's it's name. The second I felt it I told myself, 'Fucking hell! Cancer at 24!' and slowly prepared myself to lose righty. I always thought I'd be able to keep the pair, well to clarify I never thought I'd lose one.
The next day denial hit and I then told myself in a very manly manner, 'I'll ignore it and it'll go away' hell that worked for all my other problems, right? That would of been too easy for the ignore it plan to work. That night it felt like I got kicked in the groin, twice. Anger quickly set in and I was pissed. Honestly I love my nuts, somethings are just meant to come (you don't really care if that pun is intended or not) in pairs and I decided as master of my universe my nuts were meant to stay together.
The next day, while still in pain, I decide I'll just work out and eat healthier because as we all know that will solve everything. I go with that plan for about a week then tweak my back. Now my nuts and my back have betrayed me. So I find myself with not only trying to deny that I'll lose my nut, but I'm old and falling apart now too. I have to do the unmanly thing and ask for help, I call my doctor. I get told he can see me on Friday 8:30am, It's Monday.
I brave it for the 4 days but on Thursday there's a kickback. I tell myself that I have to go, I need to do something to get my mind off my nuts (has awesome as they are) so I go. Well I somehow stay up till 6 and then curl up into a ball and crash for 7 hours missing my appointment. I wake up even more pissed and still in pain.
I deal with the weekend by going through 2 bottles of pain killers. Funny thing about pain killers, you shouldn't drink with them. Not even a little. I take 2 bday shots with Juan, because that's what bros do. I black out and am told I threw up in the patio and then curled up on the floor to sleep. I wake up, actually pain free, and am just happy I brought my sunglasses and can walk home.
It's Tuesday, another Tuesday in pain, and I call the Doc again for the usual 'I'm sorry I missed my appointment, please schdule something ASAP.' but my dr isn't avaible for 2 weeks. So I have to see a girl doctor. Now I don't mind that girls can be doctors, but I don't know if they can understand how important nuts are to a guy. I bit the bullet and go see the girl doc the next day. She's hot, total milf and I have to try to name state capitals to keep from getting a woody while she's checking my junk, her hands were cold and that helped a bit too. She takes some blood and I pee in a cup then bid adiu. That was Wednesday.
It's Monday now and I just got off the phone with her and I'm negitive for everything, which is good, but doesn't solve why righty is in pain. She scheduled another appointment to recheck righty and we'll try antibiotics for 3 weeks.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
9:13 pm
'I'm doing fine. Just sometimes I think of you. Like when I roll over and you're not there. Or a stranger's hand brushes mine. Or a fleeting memory photographed in my mind pops up. Those are the worst. That's when I can smell you, feel you. It's crippling really. But I'm fine.'

From finallyseeing.tumblr.com
This is my heart. It is a good heart.
Sunday, April 19th, 2009
11:10 pm
still feel like something is missing.
healing is painful.
I try not to rub salt in the wound, but it just happens and ugh

just feeling hollow.
Sunday, March 8th, 2009
10:08 pm
Feel like someone took my inside out then put them in a trash compactor then back in me.
Now I have this huge empty feeling.

Friday, October 10th, 2008
12:26 am
I'm evil.
Fuck you.
Monday, September 22nd, 2008
8:34 am
9 days to go
and still all gooing and awing over Mister. When I wake up he is first thought, i don't think that had ever happen to me. well, maybe there has been a morning where i think upon waking that my bedmate's morning breath needs to be worked on or that their snoring is deafening, but if that doesn't count then this is indeed a 1st. I'm very aware how i'm setting myself up with such limited time open to us...
i think us, we say us and yet it not that scary. it all feels hopeful, it makes me feel. I don't feel usually, i'm usually walled up and now its like i'm naked and exposed but not scared.
feeling so many things now and its confusing but... ugh i'm not articulate enough to explain this..... it feels like a BOOM in my chest that makes me smile constantly. think that is about as close as i can get.
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
10:58 pm

so i've dropped all October plans for sf and ny so i can go to Hawaii to see mister mister.
this is going to be interesting, by interesting i mean awesome and happy and mushy
yea i'm whipped, already.
finally something great from my past to come back to me!
this isn't the smartest thing to do, in fact money wise it'll fuck me until mid-Novemeber.
yet, i'm ok with all of this. interestingly i'm looking forward to it.

Sunday, July 20th, 2008
9:13 pm
so when i'm at work i take the golf cart to the bank cus its easier to get in and out of the parking lot with the golf cart instead of a car. well on the way back to the office i was making a wideturn to get onto a walk way and had to reverse to make it, well i'm not sure what happened but the golf cart kept going back and fell down the hill and into the water channel.
Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
4:41 pm
</3 need duct tape asap
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
6:18 pm
remembering every little thing makes it uber hard to get over things.
lamecoreness goign on today.
school going awesome tho, got an A on my astronomy test and waiting to hear what i got on my Econ papers but the teacher takes fucking forever, damn hippy!

erm.... i want boba like whoa!
Monday, July 7th, 2008
10:57 pm
i woke up with a black eye, bruised shoulder and completely naked....
so i guess i had fun?
Friday, July 4th, 2008
1:40 am
i'm not unfaithful but i'll stray

when i get a little scared

i just want back into your head
12:52 am
i keep having this day dream that Cathrine comes back and tells me shes pregoos and i slap her
then i deal.
i've learned to deal with a lot
i've even learn to deal with things i would never want to do but i focus on what it will be like when its done and i reach for that...

another pointless post
12:51 am
so maybe late night post aren't so stupid
the walls are well more avoidable at this time so maybe i'm more honest or maybe i'm too lazy to lie
i dunno
but back to the point
i hide a lot from the people around me. i like being mystrious and i like people not knowing who i am. i dont' know if its because i don't know who i am or just that i'm to into being
shielded from the world. either way i have to admit i am at ease where i am. so what does this mean?
i have no idea.


ok i think i was wrong and late night post are stupid.
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
1:26 am
taking a little break from my econ paper. so far i'm just writing everything out and i'll do the graphs last, i hate the graphs btw. i so had planed on finishing this up on sunday @ work but as expected i over did it at EDC and was pretty hung over and out of commission on sunday, somehow i was able to deal with the random appointments and phone calls, threw me off being so busy on a sunday tho. anyhow i pretty much just came home and passed out after enjoying some thai.
oh yea my point.... stuck pulling an all nighter to finish my econ paper. no bueno.

random tidbits:

sleeping on the couch alone is ok, damn near impossible to on a bed tho. the down side is the couch kills my back. i guess i'll grab some sleeping pills from the doc to help out.

i find doing stuff easier if i'm counting down to something.... so maybe if i just count down to death i'll always do everything?

I hate econ.

Jay said my body was looking hot, coulda jumped his bones right then and there if i wasn't an hour late to work.

I forget how well Jay and i get along, which makes me mad i've only seen him twice this year.

thats about it for now
hope you're all doing well who is ever reading this.
Friday, June 27th, 2008
7:02 am
Been sleeping fairly good. usually have trouble sleeping alone but doing alright when i sleep on the couch.
I decided to pick up some summer classes as long as i'm still here waiting; bio lab, astronomy & microeconomics. think i might of overloaded, astro and econ take about a total of 8 hours of study time per week and with work being so busy lately i'm not sure how much i can study there. but so far its so good, got an A on my first Astronomy test and just need to work on my econ paper by monday to turn it in tuesday so who know it might be ok. i'm catching up on sleep in time to blow it away this weekend.
devil got the better of me and i decided to go to electric daisy carnival tomorrow, been uber good at controlling my intake but massive parties are a whole different kinda mess, looking forward to the get together with the old crew none the less.

still have to prep the house for the 4th bbq, I hate how much more there is to for the party. now its looking like its more my party instead of my roommates and my party :/
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